OK - The big Fed Ex Info package arrived yesterday with everything I’ve always wanted to know about my big appointment day on January 3rd. Widgets and labels and instructions - Oh My! And Yes - things that go bump in the night....

First out of the plastic mailer was a bright rust-colored plastic thingy that looked like a huge pooper scooper, with carrying handle, for my cat’s litter box.

Ah Hah - it’s a fold out jug, a sample container, for me to collect urine for 24 hours. It has an opening with a screw-cap on it - just like a water bottle. No funnel included... Hey - I’m a girl. It’s gonna be rather like a game of skill, hitting the hole. How good is my aim? Play the Aim Game... Maybe it a new game for Xmas - Hit the Hole in the Jug Game... Batteries Not Included. Hmmm - I can see that guys have an advantage here, since they have a pointer. One gallon size it says. I drink three liters of water a day.

So what do I do all day long? Carry the damn jug of pee around with me, so everytime I gotta go, I can try to hit the hole in the jug. Can you see me carrying the orange Pee Jug into Home Depot, and into Safeway, and into Barnes and Noble? Maybe into Subway for their $2.49 lunch special. “Did you want something to drink with this?” Shall I carry it to the gym and sit it down beside the treadmill? Good thing I don’t have any air travel scheduled for collection day - TSA just wouldn’t understand.

Next out of the early Xmas package comes an easily identifiable object, but with quite disgusting possibilities - nay realities... It looks like a liner for a kids potty chair without a hole in it - stark white, shiny clean. Yeech - it’s the container for collecting stool samples... Read the directions... OMG - I have to do it three times! OMG - that means I have to wash out the poop in order to re-use it? Holy Crap (‘scuse me)... Gross-out, totally. And I think it’s bad cleaning the litter boxes! Hell, I should make my cats clean this to get even...

Oh No, it gets worse.. Another zip-lock plastic package with two wooden popsicle sticks and these little packets that look kinda like match books. Wait a minute! TWO sticks? But, I have to collect THREE samples! “Using the applicator sticks provided...” the paper says. Oh No - No, no, no - I am not gonna wash the poop off those wooden sticks and re-use them... But wait, on second look, there are only two packets,,,, Whew, I guess I only have to do two samples, in spite of what the directions say

And lastly, sheets and sheets of paper directions and requisitions... Be there by 7:30 in the morning - Nothing to eat or drink after 10:30 the night before. Park in the huge public parking garage that is somewhere in the vicinity. Run to the Lab on the first floor of some building a couple of blocks away for urine and blood testing. Run across the street for the Stress Treadmill test at 8:00 - be there 15 minutes early... Hmmm.. Kinda tight schedule, isn’t it? I have 15 minutes to get the Lab staff into action, pee and give blood, and get outta there for the treadmill test. Still fasting, according to the instructions.

Then I run up to the 4th floor of that building (I guess) and get an EKG. Next I run down to the 3rd floor for a chest X-ray. Then I run over and up to the 3rd floor of the Kidney Transplant Clinic for a 2:30 appointment with the Transplant Physician. Next I run to some other office on the 3rd floor to meet with the Social Worker. The Social Worker and I chat, I guess, and she/he has to decide if I am nutso, or have been coerced, or am being paid for my dear kidney. Since it’s none of the above, I assume our session will be short and sweet.

And then, I hope to Hell that I can get something to eat!!